mothlikestars:

I’ve just cried laughing at the comments on a Jamie Oliver recipe, there was a typo on the website and everyone put 13 lemons into a pasta sauce and didn’t even question it. Imagine eating 13 lemons, the recipe was for 4 people, imagine having that much trust in Jamie Oliver.

lunchbox-philosopher:

skeletongrazed:

skeletongrazed:

what’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants ?

one’s a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

everyone stop this is my new favorite joke ever

ardatli:

sciencefictionbaby:

this next trick is a little something i like to call “bulking out my bibliography with articles I barely looked at”

“Works Sighted”

fleur: oh, i have to breathe underwater for an hour? better get myself a bubble of air!
cedric: yeah, bubble charm seems like the best solution.
harry: see i didn't think of that but i do have this handy plant.
everyone: what about you, viktor?
viktor: IM GONNA BE A FUCKING SHARK

nonbinaryeldritchhorror:

ok no but imagine gay cowboys that aren’t “sad about bein gay” cowboys blushing w/ boots going ”i want u to be my partner, partner” “but i AM your partner, partner” “no but like i want you t be my partner partner, partner” “*low whistle* *tips brim of hat to cover blush* well howdy doody” “is that a yeS??? ??” 

IT WOULD BE CUTE OK…. 

wormparty:

"how about a movie about the popular girl who’s bullied by the quirky nerd girl who thinks shes better bc shes ‘not like the other girls’"

how about we stop making movies that pit girls against each other and start making movies about girls having healthy friendships

sadbisexual:

people say bisexuals are greedy but ive never met anyone greedier than a straight man

favabean05:

alljustletters:

andercas:

no matter how old I get

I will always be at least slightly convinced that I’m capable of hurting a stuffed animal’s feelings

Toy Story mentally fucked a generation of kids.

mulaneysbutt:

"But it’s very strange. Cause this is the first time I’ve ever seen a law change because the government was just like, ‘*sigh*… fine’."

Mulaney: An Opening Act Preview Special | (x)